Contributed commentary by DarKenya W. Waller, executive director of Legal Aid Society:
Nobody thinks they’ll be the person who stays in an abusive relationship. And yet, for many survivors, leaving is a lot more complicated than simply walking out the door.
While every survivor’s situation is unique, their hesitation to leave an abusive partner often ties back to simple, logical questions: Where would I go? How would I afford to live? How could I take care of my children? Would I be safe?
As we observe Domestic Violence Awareness Month during October, it’s impossible to separate domestic violence from the rising cost of living. For many low-income people, it’s a struggle to save money at all, let alone an amount that would provide them the financial independence to escape an abusive relationship and start a new life.
Everyday financial concerns are a major reason why survivors remain in abusive relationships. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, financial abuse is present in roughly 99 percent of domestic violence cases, and yet about 78 percent of Americans don’t recognize it as a form of abuse at all.
At Legal Aid Society, we’ve seen clients reconcile with abusive partners based primarily on financial and housing concerns rather than because the underlying safety issues or relationship problems have been resolved. In some cases, a survivor may successfully separate from an abusive partner only to find that the cost of rent, utilities, transportation, childcare, food and other basic necessities makes maintaining a separate household financially unsustainable.
Abusers frequently use financial dependance as a tool to keep their partners from leaving. Women in abusive relationships often don’t work, either by agreement or by force. Regardless of their level of affluence, domestic violence survivors often didn’t have an independent source of income, making them financially reliant on their partner.
Few people consider the sudden, intense change of leaving an abusive relationship, and in doing so, leaving behind an entire life. Survivors often leave with only a few essentials, leaving behind favorite clothes, belongings, knickknacks and memories.
For survivors living in rural counties, it’s even more difficult. Some of the resources that exist in cities, such as the ability to request an order of protection in emergency situations any time of day or night, aren’t available in less populated areas, stacking the deck in favor of abusers.
Those who do escape their abusers can’t rely on family or friends for housing indefinitely. Nashville nonprofits like the YWCA, Safe Haven and AGAPE offer shelter for domestic violence survivors, though they’re frequently at capacity and can’t serve everyone, which leaves many survivors with no place to go.
Even survivors who find a place to live sometimes find themselves in situations nearly as bad as the ones they left. We assisted one client with an order of protection when she left a domestic violence situation with a man she was dating. After briefly being unhoused, she was able to secure housing for herself, her minor child and her disabled mother. Not long after that, though, her landlord began demanding sexual favors if she wanted to continue living there.
Leaving a domestic violence relationship is the most dangerous time, so we encourage survivors not to do it alone. The Violence Policy Center reported that as of 2024, Tennessee had nearly double the national average of women killed by men. The rate of 2.6 per 100,000 women was up from 1.6 a decade earlier, and was the highest rate in the state in 29 years.
The point at which the abuser is losing control is when they fight the hardest to regain that control. So it’s crucial for survivors to plan out important logistics in advance in order to exit as safely as possible.
Legal Aid Society (1-800-238-1443) specializes in legal representation for domestic violence survivors, especially when there are children in the home. For survivors, being represented by an attorney is exponentially more helpful than self-representation. In addition to providing instant credibility to a judge, an attorney helps clarify important details and brings general knowledge about the court system that eases the stressful process.
This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we encourage individuals to learn to recognize financial abuse, support the local organizations that enable survivors to leave safely and to reach out for help if necessary. No one should have to stay in an abusive situation because they don’t know where to turn.
DarKenya W. Waller is executive director of Legal Aid Society of Middle Tennessee and the Cumberlands, which provides free legal services to qualifying low-income individuals in 48 counties across Middle Tennessee.