“My demons won today. I’m sorry.”
Those were the last words on his Facebook page. What led me to those words was a story that I came across about a community activist that had killed himself on the steps of the Statehouse in Columbus, Ohio.
Whenever I hear of someone who makes the decision to take their own life, I always wonder two things: what was happening with them that led them to make that choice and what were their last words; if they have a social media account, I always look to see what the last thing that they posted was.
He said the demons (his depression, anxiety and insecurity) won. Maybe he gave up the fight against adversity and gave in to the deeper internal pressures of hopelessness. Maybe he lost his passion for his cause. Maybe he lost hope in his quest for justice. Maybe he had a mental health issue that nobody knew about. I really don’t know.
But his death made me think about those suffering with depression. It made me think about those in which emptiness and despair has taken hold of their lives. If that person is you—the reader, I want to encourage you. I want you to know that it’s not over. I want to tell you that your “demons,” your challenges and your struggles don’t have to win. Let me share something with you that few people know about me.
Back in 2010, I was laying down on my living room floor, my face had tears streaming down my cheeks and I was trying to keep my thoughts from assaulting me. I was just coming out of a really bad stretch. I had lost my job, my marriage was falling apart, I was being taken to court for legal issues, and to cap it all off, people were walking out of my life left and right. I hated the world, I was down and life just kept kicking me.
I desperately sought solutions. “Why God” I loudly complained “aren’t you fixing this?” I was aggravated, I was hurt, I was broken and I had no answers. I remember breathing deeply, my mind settled and a crystal clear thought emerged. “You have to power to change this!” I almost shocked myself. “This is temporary,” my mind insisted. “You have the power to change this!” my mind repeated. “Get up.”
My heart started beating and my tears stopped running. In that moment, I knew, without a doubt, that my decisions did not have to reflect my conditions. In that moment, I knew that I could either live as a victim, or I could create the world I wanted to live in. I chose to get up—and when I did, everything changed.
“So what happens,” one may ask, “when we don’t have the strength to listen to that internal voice or better yet, the strength to get up?”
The truth is that sometimes life can throw curve balls we just are not prepared to catch. We get divorced. Our children get out of control. We lose our jobs. Our bank accounts take a nosedive for the worse. There are a variety of elements can bring about the onset of depression. However, many of us have learned how to be “functionally depressed.”
Just as a functioning alcoholic, one who is depressed may learn how to cover up the symptoms with a friendly personality, smiles, a presentable outward appearance, and normal behavior. Many times, the roots of depression go under the radar and are undetected until something severe happens, in some cases suicide. In these severe cases, surviving loved ones are left with lingering thoughts and questions.
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, at least 90 percent of all people who commit suicide suffer from one or more mental disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or alcoholism.
Research has also shown that many people hide their battles because of the stigma attached to depression.
Depression and other mental illnesses have been viewed for many years in a negative light. However through news reports and celebrity incidents from Robin Williams to the suicide attempt of singer Fantasia Barrino, we have learned that mental illness is very real and have tremendous impacts to those suffering from it.
Having served in the military for fourteen years, I experienced a host of stressors. With multiple deployments under my belt and personal issues weighing on me, I had come to my threshold. I was barely able to keep my life together, professionally and personally.
After going back and forth in thought, I reluctantly made the decision to enroll myself into Adult Behavioral Health. At first, I felt embarrassed to even be there. “How did I even in up at this point?” was my constant thought. I had a failed marriage, personal battles, financial issues, and yet, a daughter I had to take care of. All of this happened behind the uniform. It was easy to put on the uniform and assume the role of a strong, competent leader. It was when I took the uniform off that the war began.
For many of us, we choose suffering over the awkward feelings and perception of receiving the help we needed. The truth is, depression is real and potentially dangerous if left untreated. Research and studies have been conducted and are constantly being developed on learning the depths of depression. We don’t have to go through this journey alone. Even at our worst points, we still have a choice to live. We still have a choice to reach out.
There is nothing like the power of a human touch, a human voice, the human ear and the human smile. When in concert—they communicate very simply that you matter.
Consider that underneath the layers that we skillfully craft in which we label ourselves, our need for significance, our job titles, our school degrees and our need to be perceived as successful—underneath these layers is the genuine, vulnerable inner-person. I truly believe that when our respective inner-people identify with one-another, our purposes cross-talk and the possibility for pre-mature death diminishes in both you and me.
In other words, this is my way of saying that you have a purpose, and you matter to somebody. We understand that sometimes life has stressors that overwhelm our ability to deal with them—especially for those suffering from a mental health condition.
No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to overcome your crisis. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
Why make the call? Because you matter.